[Not-so] Perfect Child

To a very dear friend. I've been mulling this post over in my brain, and your comment today caused me to finally post it.

I am not what you seem to think I am. I am not a perfect person. I am just the opposite: a sinner, a rebel. What you see is almost a mask, something I put on for the teachers and sometimes even for you. It comes off as soon as I'm alone. Sure, I do what they tell me with very little resistance, but in my heart I'm rebeling, screaming at them, wanting to say "NO! Never! I won't do it! I don't want to nor do I really care!". But then I do it anyway. Because that's how the game called school has to be played. Do the work, do it right, do it well, give them what they want. Get the grades. Go to college. play the little game to make them happy. And yet, it's not really a game. Its the job I've been given to do. It's the work that He's given me for this part of my life, so I do it. Though not always very willingly or with a very happy heart. I yell and scream and rant and cry about it. Some times I just want to quit. I've come to realize that guilt drives me forward most of the time. I just can't stop trying to do well. It would kill me. I almost can't explain it. I just couldn't. My example stinks, yet you tell me you IDOLIZE ME?!? Stop! I don't want that kind of responsablity, to show you how to live. Thats crazy! You'd be seriously led astray if you followed me.  In the words of Stacie Orrico,  "Don't look at me if you're looking for perfection/ Don't look at me I will only let you down/ I'll do my best to point you in the right directon/ But don't look at me/ No, no, no/ Don't look at me, look at Him". So stop idolizing me, wouldja?
 _________________________________________________________________________________
"Don't Look at Me"
Don't look at me if you're looking for perfection/ Don't look at me I will only let you down/ I'll do my best to point you in the right directon/ But don't look at me/ No, no, no/ Don't look at me, look at Him/ Sometimes I have a fear/ That you will see a mirror/ And get the thought that it's the main attraction/ But all that you detect/ Is just what I reflect/ Of the object of my own affection/I'll lead you to the One I found/ He'll give you everything you need/ Don't look at me if you're looking for perfection/ Don't look at me I will only let you down/ I'll do my best to point you in the right direction/ But dont' look at me/ No, no, no/ Dont' look at me, look at Him/ It's understandable to want a hero/ But people can't meet all your expectations/ Still some can teach you things about the love He brings/ Just know the source of life is in the Savior/ I'll lead you to the One I found/ He'll give you everything you need/ Don't look at me if you're looking for perfection/ Don't look at me I will only let you down/ I'll do my best to point you in the right direction/ But don't look at me/ No,no, no/ Don't look at me, look at Him/ He's the One who lived a perfect life/ He's the One who always gets it right/ He's the One and only guiding light, Ohh, yeah/ He is everthing you want to be/ He's the answer to your every need/ If you follow Him then you will se He's like no other/ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh yeah/ I'll do my best to point you in the right direction/ But don't look at me/ No, no, no/ Don't look at me/ Oh, dont look at me/ I'll only let you down/ I'll do my best to point you in the right direction/ no no no no no oh oh look at Him/ yeah, yeah
*Emphasis and italics added